Lyrics: Harper Valley PTA by Tom T Hall
BAMF Athena

Athena and the PTA

Buck sat at the table at work and listened to his partner rant about his parents’ latest try against him. When a thought came to Buck, “Why not just sic our own Mrs. Johnson, aka Athena, on them?”
This caused Bobby to spit his coffee across the middle counter and start coughing. While Hen and Chim started to crack up and make bets on if they would last as long as the school PTA.
Somewhere in the room, someone was humming a familiar tune that Eddie had heard somewhere before. Which seemed to crack the old timer’s up even further.

Buck pointed at himself then at Hen, getting an eager grin, and she began to sing the song he heard just before.

I wanna tell you all a story
About a Harper Valley widowed wife
Who had a teenage daughter
Who attended Harper Valley Junior High
Well, her daughter came home one afternoon
And didn’t even stop to play
And she said, “Mom, I got a note here
From the Harper Valley PTA”

Then Buck took over:
I wanna tell you all a story
About a LA recently divorced woman
Who had a teenage daughter
Who attended one of LA’s Junior High’s
Well, her daughter came home one afternoon
And didn’t even stop to play
And she said, “Mom I got a note here
From the school PTA.”

Every one of the old timers was snickering, and Bobby had his hand over his eyes. Eddie now knew this had to be good.

Hen took over again:
Well, the note said, “Mrs. Johnson
You’re wearin’ your dresses way too high
It’s reported you’ve been drinking
And a-running ’round with men and goin’ wild
And we don’t believe you oughta be
A-bringin’ up your little girl this way”
And it was signed by the secretary
Harper Valley PTA

Bobby groaned while a great cackle let out from DeKay, as Buck took over:
Well, the note said, “Mrs. Grant
Your husband’s been seen with another man
It’s been reported he’s been drinking
And a-running ‘round going wild
And we don’t believe you oughta be
A’bringing up your girl this way”
And it was signed by the secretary
Of the PTA.

Eddies’ eyes went huge and his jaw dropped at that with those who had been there just nodding.
Chim had grabbed Buck’s PAD and was fiddling with it at the moment as he snickered.
And Hen did the next verse:
Well, it happened that the PTA
Was gonna meet that very afternoon
And they were sure surprised when Mrs. Johnson
Wore her miniskirt into the room
And as she walked up to the blackboard
I can still recall the words she had to say
She said, “I’d like to address this meeting
Of the Harper Valley PTA”

Whatever Chim had been searching for, he seemed to find, as he passed the PAD around to the laughter of those looking at it.
Bobby was trying to become one with the floor and groaning.
Buck was smiling as he continued his end:
Well, it happened that the PTA
Was gonna meet that very afternoon
And they were sure surprised when Mrs. Grant
Wore her police uniform into the room
And as she walked up to the blackboard
I can still recall the words she had to say
She said, “I’d like to address this meeting
Of the PTA”

Ok this was going to be good as the PAD was withheld from him for the moment:
“Well, there’s Bobby Taylor sittin’ there
And seven times he’s asked me for a date
And Mrs. Taylor sure seems to use a lotta ice
Whenever he’s away
And, Mr. Baker, can you tell us why
Your secretary had to leave this town?
And shouldn’t widow Jones be told to keep
Her window shades all pulled completely down?”

Buck let Hen continue:
“Well, Mr. Harper couldn’t be here
‘Cause he stayed too long at Kelly’s Bar again
And if you’ll smell Shirley Thompson’s breath
You’ll find she’s had a little nip of gin
And then you have the nerve to tell me
You think that as a mother I’m not fit
Well, this is just a little Peyton Place
And you’re all Harper Valley hypocrites”

Eddie was given the PAD finally, as Buck started his part, and there, in black and white, was the news article in the LA Times of the vice raid on the school PTA meeting. With one, Athena Grant, leading the way.

“Well, there’s Bobby Taylor sittin’ there
And seven times he’s asked me for a date
Mind you I was working Vice at the time
And, Mr. Baker, can you tell us why
Your secretary had to leave this town?
You know, we’ve got a current warrant
to search you residences going at the moment.
And shouldn’t widow Jones be told to keep
Her window shades all pulled completely down?”
And if you’ll smell Shirley Thompson’s breath
You’ll find she’s had a little nip of gin
And then you have the nerve to tell me
You think that as a mother I’m not fit
And made the call over the radio for her fellows
To come in and do their duty
To the fine Citizens of the PTA.

And that was enough for Eddie as he fell off his chair onto the floor laughing so hard his sides hurt. Picturing Athena as Mrs. Johnson going against his parents.

Paused, then got a huge evil grin on his face, and took out his phone to text Athena and asked if she could go against his parents too.

She sent a devil emoji and told him she had just been waiting on his permission.

His parents would not know what hit them.
And he was going to buy lots, and lots of popcorn for the show.