NCIS, Tony, Contemplation

He Wondered

He wondered what it would be like to live by the thoughts most people don’t like to imagine. The thoughts of strength, clarity, and the willingness to stand outside of what most would be comfortable with.
To shape oneself the same as the ancient warriors once did.

To be strong in spirit and to hold himself to the highest stand. Not what he did now or allowed now.
As with all others where he worked, he had been willing to live by the rules and standards handed to him. Repeating the beliefs he inherited. Calling it safe. A sheep. A member of the mentality of the herd.

Freedom is the reality of self-awareness and not the perception of peace. As perception is always faulty.
It is self-control, where there is none and demanding of oneself to go beyond the limits imposed by those outside to reach their full potential.

It is not theatrics, no matter what everyone else thinks or acts like. It is not a mask of intimidation. It is clarity of mind when there is but chaos all around and ruling everywhere.
Living with and for true freedom of himself and that movement in the world around him required he must first learn to govern the world within himself. For to control his inner world is to have control over the outer world and to be able to move smoothly around it.

Unlike his bosses and those around him, emotions are to be controlled and shaped to his use. Not be shaped by them, if he was to get anywhere in the world. To be active in the emotional world and not reactive. To not let them rule him with impulses.
Unlike his immediate boss, to direct his anger and desires towards purpose, and not the other way around.

Know Thyself. Have Honesty with himself and what lay within himself, will lay the foundation upon what everything else would be built. Destroy his own illusions so that they may no longer be used against him.
Strength does not begin with dramatic acts, no matter what others say or do to the contrary. It begins with small rituals that build upon themselves.

Starting to do his exercises every morning no matter what is scheduled. Starting slowly to build himself up. Will strengthen him in the long run. Strengthening himself through exercise by improving his lung capacity so he will no longer need his inhaler as often. This will make him less of a liability to the team and to himself.
Insisting he has a life outside of his boss and the job creates a healthy lifestyle that will allow him contacts that will keep him alive later on.

Stillness within creates stillness in movement so that it is with purpose instead of with chaos. Knowing every decision from now on is his responsibility and cannot be blamed on something or someone else.

Self-Respect, and in that he would hold himself to a higher standard and through him the others on the team. Through which fewer of the cases would get thrown out where he could have prevented it.

It was time to seek solitude while the new director was insisting he be put in as Agent Afloat. And in solitude find himself again so that he might be the best he could be. And in doing so, find it in himself to like what is in the new him that will emerge. As opposed to the one that exists now.

Fin
7/12/2026

Edit
7/16/2026